Two Voices

"Haley, you have the ability to make me proud, but you don't.
If you chose a different path...if you became an atheist like me, then I would be proud of you."

It's not so easy for a daughter to hear these words from her own father. As many of you know, my parents divorced when I was very young, and my biological father is a staunch atheist. Now I love my dad very much, but I would be lying to you if I claimed that his harsh words don't affect me.

What I have learned from my relationship with my father is that those who constantly tear others down are those who fail to understand the love of Jesus. If we understood the love of Jesus, then surely we would treat the people in our lives much differently.

It's no easy task - loving like Jesus loves, forgiving like Jesus forgives, and living like Jesus lives. If it was easy, wouldn't everyone be doing it? If it took no effort, wouldn't the whole world be full of Christians?

Yet that right there is the core of Christianity: like anything else in life, it takes effort. A relationship with Jesus doesn't just happen. You can't wake up one day and say, "I think I want to fall in love with Jesus today." It doesn't happen in a day, a month, or even a year. It takes a whole lifetime and even more to develop a relationship with Christ.

It always baffles me when people say, "I just don't 'feel' Jesus, so he must not be real." That's like saying that because I don't feel constant love from my friends or family, they must not REALLY love me. Yet even when it comes to my biological father, although I do not constantly feel his love, his love for me is still real. He just shows his love in different ways.

Just because you don't feel Jesus' love does not mean that Jesus isn't real. You must understand the precious amount of time and effort that a relationship with Jesus takes. You have to work at it. The way one person experiences Jesus may not be the same way another experiences him. You have to discover what works best for you.

How do you experience Jesus? Do you see him in nature - in the trees, in the water? Do you see him in Scripture - in the Gospels, in the letters of Paul? Do you see him in the people in your life - in your friends, in your family? Think about what brings you closest to Christ, and pursue it.

Think about that word "pursue." I want to pursue Him with all that I have. I want to seek Him and find Him in my daily life, through Church, through Scripture, through nature, through the people around me. And as I seek Him, Jesus says to me, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13).

As we approach this new year, I hear two voices speaking to me. One is a loud - a very harsh yell. "You do not make me proud, Haley. You are delusional. Wake up from this fairytale life. It's all a myth. Jesus isn't real. Don't be such an idiot. You're much smarter than that. No God, no masters...when you leave God, then you'll be free to live as you want." Yelling, yelling, it won't stop yelling. Pounding on my ears, giving me the worst headache imaginable.

The second voice is soft, barely audible. It whispers, "Listen to me, my little one. I'll show you a better way. I'll show what it means to be free. Where there is darkness, I'll bring you light. Where there is chaos, I'll bring you peace. Just trust in me. Take my hand. Grab hold. Let me surprise you with my love."

Sometimes I can hardly hear the second voice - the first is much too loud. That's the thing: it takes effort to hear the voice of Christ. It takes effort to establish a relationship with Him. It takes effort to be able to overlook the voice of the world yelling at you, saying, "You don't make me proud. You are a failure. There is no God," and instead listen to the barely audible whisper of Jesus softly saying, "I love you. I love you. Listen to me. I'll give you rest. I'll give you freedom. Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

My challenge to you this week is to listen for that whisper - the whisper of Jesus. He's speaking to you; you're just not listening closely enough.

Open your ears; open your eyes; start living your life.

Song of the week: "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y

Open your ears; open your eyes; start living your life.

My Beloved

"My beloved is mine, and I am His."

[Song of Solomon 2:16]

To put it gently, high school wasn't actually the peak of my romantic relationships. At the time, however, I failed to realize that this was so much more of a blessing than a curse. I constantly complained about being alone, wishing I could feel "wanted" or "loved" just once, just for a moment. I failed to recognize the unmatched love my family and friends had for me, often casting them aside in search of something better. As my friends won more and more attention from guys, my self-esteem continued to wane. I guess there came a point when I was so emotionally exhausted from feeling so alone (again, completely ignoring the love of my family and friends) that I decided to turn my attention fully and completely towards Jesus. But I didn't even know where to begin. Fall in love with someone invisible? Eh, I'll pass on that one. It seemed too complex to even comprehend.

Overtime, God presented various examples in my life to show me what it means to love Him. I met Moriah Banas (my camp counselor in the summer of 2010), who has a more passionate love for Jesus than I have ever seen in any other human being. I met Sarah Berry (my theology teacher sophomore year), whose love for Jesus has given her a joy like no other. I met Danni Howard (one of my best friends from high school), whose love for Jesus has given her immense strength in the face of hardship.

As my high hopes for finding Prince Charming in high school became more and more unrealistic, I began to desire the love for Jesus I saw in Moriah, Ms. Berry, and Danni. I began to long for their passion, their joy, and their strength.

And now, all I want in this life is to fall in love with Jesus.

I don't care if I never have a boyfriend again. I honestly don't care if I never get married. If I have Jesus, I have everything I could ever desire. His love is what carries me through. When I am broken and weak, He lights up my world. Even when I make the worst of mistakes, even when I betray Him and directly deny Him, He is quick to cover me in compassion. He doesn't abuse me for my many daily mistakes; He loves me. His love is unending. Sometimes it's overwhelming - too much to even understand. But that right there is the beauty of His love...it doesn't make sense. It's too great to ever be put into words.

Before I found His love, I failed to see my own worth. I constantly told myself I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough for boys to actually like me. Yet when I turned to Jesus, all my worries were cast aside when with the mention of a single word: beloved.

"You are my beloved," He said to me. "You are my Beloved, and I am yours."

My challenge for you this week is to begin to fall in love with Jesus. One day, I want you to be so in love with Jesus that you are not focused on finding a boyfriend or girlfriend who may ultimately fail you, but on finding the treasure of His love that is directly before your weary eyes, your bruised soul. I challenge you to search for that love. Seek His love in Scripture. If you have a moment today or sometime this week, Read 1 John 4:7-21 (that's the letter 1 John, not the Gospel according to John). It speaks of God's love for us. "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them" (1 John 4:16). Seek His love in prayer. If you're finding it hard to fall in love with someone who is invisible, pray that the Lord will change your heart towards Him. Pray He will give you the eyes to see His love so prevalent all around us. Finally, (and perhaps most importantly) seek His love in the people around you. In your family, in your friends, in the strangers you meet...look for the love of Jesus in those people. Trust me, it's there. If you can't see it, you're not looking hard enough. Seek Him in Scripture, in prayer, and in other people. Seek Him; find Him; discover that His love is greater than any other.

When it comes down to it, all I really want to do in this life is fall in love with Jesus.

"His is a real love.
I know because never do I regret how I feel when I am around Him.
Never do I feel lost in His words.
Never do I fear Him leaving me but rather me leaving Him.
It is a perfect and unending love that can only be hindered by my own actions.
He longs for me.
He wants me.
He reaches for me.
He reaches with an out-stretched hand waiting for me...
As I lay my hand forward limp, unwilling to reach.
His is a real love."
Thank you to the person who left this beautiful message on my blog post a few weeks ago.

Song of the week: "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diMZ3ucq24g

Emma and Meredith, thank you for teaching me what a life of love and service really looks like. And oh, what a beautifully fulfilling thing a life of love really is :]

Explaining the Unexplainable

"Where was God in Connecticut today, Haley? If there truly is a God how could he let those poor little kids get slaughtered? Aren't they supposedly his innocent children? I love you Haley, but you are putting your faith in mere mythology. Stop wasting your time."

When I read these words on my phone Friday afternoon, my heart dropped. Frustration. Anger. Confusion. The questions began to swirl. How could God let this happen? A God who can't save innocent children must not be much of a God anyway. Either God doesn't exist, or he does exist but he's obviously not who he says he is.

To the families in Newtown, Connecticut, who lost their babies in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting this past Friday, here is my honest yet clearly imperfect attempt to explain the unexplainable events of this tragedy:

Explaining the Unexplainable
How could God let this happen? Let me tell you about the kind of God I believe in. I do not believe in a God that just "lets" things happen. But at the same time, I do not believe in a God that stops things from happening. We have free will, and our free will is God's ultimate sign of love for us.

Believe it or not, God loved Adam Lanza. To be honest, I'm disgusted at the fact that I just typed those words. When I think the name "Adam Lanza," I cringe. Yet what we must continue to remind ourselves is that we serve a God of LOVE. God's love knows no limits, no boundaries, no time. Because God loved Adam Lanza, God gave him free will. Why Lanza chose to use his free will to murder 27 innocent people, we may never know.

Yet what we do know is this: God did not plan for this tragedy to occur. When I was a little girl, I asked someone why my parents divorced. This person's response? "It was all in God's plan for your life." To be honest, I completely disagree with this statement. If you're going to try to tell me that at the beginning of Adam Lanza's life, God PLANNED for him to kill 27 innocent people, I'd probably tell you that you're crazy. How could God plan for a little boy to grow up to become a murderer? I do not believe God planned for innocent lives to be lost the morning of December 14th. When planes crash, cars collide, or humans kill, I do not believe these tragedies are acts of God, or "all in God's plan." Yet what IS in God's plan and what IS an act of God is the miracle of strength that is so often found despite these tragedies. God does not stop these things from happening, but what He teaches us through these horrible situations - now that's something too beautiful for words.

So to the families who lost their babies Friday morning: God didn't want this for your children's lives. He wanted your babies to live as long, as happy, and as healthy as possible. Tears come to my eyes when I think of the beautiful stories He had in mind for your children. But God is not the reason why those beautiful lives did not unfold. Do not blame Him.

You might still be wondering, Okay Haley, so God didn't plan for any of this to happen. But still, why didn't He STOP it all from happening? Why didn't He save them?

Take a minute and imagine if God stopped every evil deed on this planet from happening. Think about it...no death, no tears, no hatred, no jealousy, no evil. Sounds like Heaven, right? That right there is exactly the point. Heaven is meant for those things. Earth is a place full of evil, full of brokenness, full of temptation every step of the way. Yet in the face of that evil, in the face of that brokenness, and in the face of that temptation, we are encouraged to face Jesus. And oh the face of Jesus...nothing more beautiful. Nothing more sweet. Nothing more perfect. If God stopped every evil deed on this planet from happening, we'd already be in Heaven, and there would be no purpose to our lives. After all, God has put us in this world to test us, to see if we love Him enough to choose everything He has to offer over everything the world has to offer. If you're looking for a world where good things actually happen to good people, you're not going to find that here. Stop looking for it. Face Jesus in spite of the evil deeds that surround us, and realize that in time and in Heaven we will face a place of no death, no tears, no hatred, no jealousy, no evil. And oh what a beautiful sight that will be.

Revelation 21:4: "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

We will not find perfection on this planet because perfection exists only in the beauty of Heaven and in the beauty of the face of Jesus. In this lifetime, the closest we will ever come to Heaven on Earth and the closest we will ever come to perfection is in the arms of Jesus. When I am in His arms, there is nothing better. I know what it feels like to truly be ONE with Him, so to me, nothing/no one could ever possibly compare. Philippians 3:8: "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." All things are nothing in comparison to His love.

As always, comments/criticisms are welcome. Whether you agree with me or not, whether you think God planned this whole tragedy or not, know this:

The greatest love story ever told is that of God's love for each of us. He knew we would abuse His gift of free will, but He gave it to us anyway. Why? Because He has loved us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). God knows we are going to abuse His gift of free will; yet He does not PLAN for us to do so. There is a very stark difference between what God knows and what God plans. So when reflecting on the tragedy that occurred at Sandy Hook, don't blame God. I cannot explain why Adam Lanza did this. I cannot explain why these babies are no longer with us. But what I can say is this: this was not God's plan and this is not what God wanted for these people.

So in this time of tragedy (or any time of tragedy for that matter), stop wasting time asking questions. Stop wasting time wondering why. Learn to expect the evil of this world. Do not expect good to come from this world...because the only good that exists here is from God.

Since real freedom from the evil deeds of this world can only be attained through Christ, stop wasting your time elsewhere. Find freedom from your sufferings in Him.

Look to Him.
Run to Him.
Cling to Him.

The evildoings of this world are unexplainable. But you know what is even more unexplainable? The love, the freedom, and the pure rest we find in the arms of a Savior who is waiting to show us the closest thing to Heaven on Earth: a life with Him.

Look to Him. Run to Him. Cling to Him.

Holding Onto Hope

The car isn't completely destroyed. I know there's still hope.

In past blog posts, I have mentioned a friend of mine whose life was recently turned upside down. My friend had to drop out of school and go into rehab for his drug addiction. A few days ago, I heard from him for the first time in a while. Relief flooded my heart and tears of joy came to my eyes as I listened to him say these words: "I know I've messed my life up, Haley. I know I've made some serious mistakes. But I had a dream last night...a dream that I got into a car crash. The car was obviously messed up, but when I took a hard look at it, I realized that it wasn't completely destroyed. That car is my life. It's messed up now, but the car is not completely destroyed. I can still turn my life around. I know there's still hope for me."

If I could have one wish in life, it would be for all of my loved ones to know Jesus. Although I pray for him nearly everyday, this friend of mine does not know Jesus at all, and I know he won't come to know Jesus for a very long time (if ever).

But the cool thing about Jesus is that we don't even have to want Him in order for Him to want us. We don't have to do ANYTHING to get His attention. We already have His attention. My friend who just got out of rehab literally wants nothing to do with God, yet God wants everything to do with him. My friend has no hope in God, yet God is continuing to give him hope in this broken situation.

Even when we want nothing to do with God,

God wants everything to do with us.

Even when we deny the existence of God,

God wants to give us the greatest existence possible.

Even when we think we've found something better than His love,

God showers us with His love anyway.

We've all fallen into that trap. My friend isn't the only one. At some point in each of our lives, we've wanted nothing to do with God; we've denied His existence; we think we've found something better. Yet only when we realize just how broken and empty we are without Him do we remember how it feels to be in His arms, to be His beloved. And in the arms of our Savior we are hungry and thirsty no more. We have everything we could ever possibly desire.

We could hate God with every fiber of our being, and He would still come to us and say, "All beautiful you are, my darling. There is nothing in you to cause a fall" (Song of Solomon 4:7), or "I have loved you with an everlasting love" (Jeremiah 31:3).

So here's the deal: it's not over.
Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, you did something you shouldn't have. You crashed the car, but the car is not completely destroyed. There's still hope. There is hope for my friend who just got out of rehab and is learning how to live life without drugs, and there is hope FOR YOU. Whatever you are facing, whatever is plaguing your life...there is still hope. Hold onto Hope. Hold onto Jesus. He's been holding you this whole time anyway.

Song of the week: "Only You" by David Crowder Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6xSOMdt_2g

"But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Hand It Over

It was the deepest kind of hopelessness I'd ever experienced.

Have you ever desperately wanted something out of your life, so much so that you're willing to do absolutely anything to get rid of it? It could be a personal habit that burdens your every move, or an enemy who continues to plague your every thought. Every time you even think of this struggle,  you're immediately overcome with disgust, regret, hatred, shame - a mixture of every kind of negative emotion.

But what we must realize is that it doesn't have to be this way. Take a moment and imagine the last time you felt hopeless. Think back to what it felt like. Maybe you turned back to a horrible past habit, for example. Imagine yourself holding something that reminds you of this bad habit. You begin walking forward. As you're walking, you notice a great incline in the land before you, and you slowly make your way up a hill. Unsure of where you're headed, clarity comes into play when you see Him. Your eyes meet His - truly there has never been a more beautiful moment. With one hand still holding that object that reminds you of that horrible past habit, Jesus softly grabs hold of your other hand and leads you forward. After a few moments, His steps come to a halt, and His eyes look upwards. You follow His gaze. Before you is a simple, wooden cross - a symbol of sweet redemption.

"Hand it all over to me, my beloved," He says to you.

You hesitate, wondering if He can really handle what you have to give Him. After a few moments, you finally give in and let go of what you are holding, placing it in His hands. You watch in confusion yet awe as He steps forward and nails it to the cross. Immediately, the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders. Sweet redemption indeed.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 62:1-2)

Enough of letting hopelessness shake me. God is my rest; I am not shaken.

Enough of wasting time without Him. God is my salvation; I am not shaken.

Enough of letting my past burden my present. God is my rock; I am not shaken.

My challenge to you this week is to pray. Pray like you've never prayed before. I like to think that prayer is the greatest sign of love. Pray for yourself in your own hopelessness, and pray for the people around you in their hopelessness. With patience and faith, God truly answers all prayers. Let everyday become a conversation with Him. Let every moment be a chance to fall more deeply in love with Him.

Remember: we are with Him; we are not shaken.

Song of the week: "Let it Go" by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66njprg_fq8

"Hand it all over to me, my beloved."

Photo Credit to the lovely Madeline Hill :)